National Pork Board

The headline, PORK & NAIL POLISH, is supposed to get your attention. It calls to you, saying: The golden age of advertising is over! Then it kind of makes you sick—because pork and nail polish is about as appetizing as, say, hot dogs and gasoline.

The writer of the copy is a fictional woman who confesses to us that clear nail polish is the “estrogen equivalent of duct tape,” because there are so many things she can do with it. That’s why she always carries it around in her bag.

And just like nail polish in a handbag, pork is the perfect utility meat that you should always have around in the freezer because you can fix anything with it lickety-split.

Lickety-split? Who says lickety-split? Maybe they say lickety-split at some ad agency somewhere.

The Boss: Rogers, is the National Pork Board ad finished yet?

Rogers: Not yet, Mr. Quigly. The art director spent the whole day making the food stylist rearrange chunks of raw pork. He made her so  crazy that she accidentally cut off a piece of her finger and they can’t tell which chunks are pork and which is finger.

The Boss: Jeepers! When will the ad be finished?

Rogers: Lickety-split!

The Boss: Lickety-split?

Rogers: Sorry. Lickety-split, sir!

The Boss: That’s better. Eh…Rogers?

Rogers: Yes, sir?

The Boss: Do you have any clear nail polish? The hinge on my eyeglasses is starting to come loose.

I’m nit-picking. The fact that they used a colloquialism from a 1930 Nancy Drew book is minor compared to the sheer awfulness of the ad.


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